My mum worries about me being childless. It’s not new – she’s been saying it for years – but her current circumstances have highlighted just how important family support is. She now lives in a care home (read more about that here) and I am largely responsible for her wellbeing. The whole experience has made her question who will look after me when I grow old?
Mum cannot imagine how lonely life would be without her children and sisters or how vulnerable she would be without an advocate. And what will I do if I am widowed and childless? What will my single friends do? The short answer is that we will have to find ways to look after ourselves. But that is just the kind of thought that surfaces in the middle of the night and demands more careful consideration before I get another wink of sleep.
AgeUK have launched a campaign to raise awareness of the problem of isolation and loneliness amongst older people: ‘no one should have no one’ estimates that:
This figure is set to rise. Between 2005 and 2015 there was a 23% increase in the number of people living alone in the 45 to 64 age group according to the Office of National Statistics. This is due to the increased birth rate in the 1960s and a higher proportion of these babyboomers have divorced or remained single. Some of my single friends have already described the loneliness that surfaces sometimes – for instance when they’re ill – and the realisation that no-one might notice, for a few days at least, if they died.
So what do we do, those of us who are childless, with no-one to look out for us? Do we need to start building relationships now that will be supportive in the future? No-one could have predicted the success of online social networks but perhaps this illustrates the basic need we have to be connected to one another.
We might snigger about being eligible for an over-50s club but there are obvious benefits gained from creating social networks through mutual interests. In the last few years I’ve joined a gardening club and I’m active in our area’s quite new (and hopefully ironic) Women’s Institute. Now, for the first time in London, I meet someone I know in the street almost every time I leave the house. When you start to engage with the community the rewards are not just about making new friends. There are several Grand Dames among the gardeners who, despite being the wrong side of 80, throw themselves into every community activity and remain incredibly vital and alive. If old age is best navigated with an active body and mind they seem to have found the secret.
It might just be the wine talking but I’ve had more than one conversation with girlfriends about the idea of forming a ‘community’ of old biddies. We could pool resources, buy or rent a big house in the country and spread the cost of Netflix, carers and mobile hairdressing. It’s a business model already established in the concept of retirement villages but the idea of a DIY version where you get to choose your companions is very appealing. The concept lies somewhere between ‘Friends’ and ‘The Golden Girls’. Of course negotiating what happens when one of the gang deteriorates or shows signs of dementia needs to be considered but it’s got to be a lot more fun than being on your own.
My mum worries because I have no kids but do children really guarantee a happier old age? Of course not. There is no doubt that the joy of grand-parenting is an unexpected pleasure in early retirement and that busy modern families require grandparents to muck-in. But as the grandchildren grow older visits naturally decline and homework and school friends take priority.
Elderly couples can be quietly self-sufficient and make do with very little from their loved ones: Christmas, occasional phone calls and Skype. This cosy companionship can make the isolation that follows the death of one partner all the more overwhelming. Grief and depression can block any motivation to make new friends.
In some respects the childless are more resourceful and independent. Having already spent years filling up social calendars to avoid loneliness singletons and childless couples might be better prepared.
There is no doubt though, that when health begins to deteriorate local authorities rely on families to ‘top up’ the social care that they can provide. The Office for National Statistics reported:
What this care consists of can differ enormously and depends on many factors including the proximity of family members and their other commitments. The important thing that I’ve observed about my mum’s care is that when an elderly person has an advocate their rights are more likely to be protected. Vulnerable single and childless people have to depend on a social worker to negotiate their path through the care system.
I think our generation will be altogether more demanding than our parents. We have been raised to be more selfish than current 80-somethings who lived through a world war and learned to cope with whatever life dealt them. I don’t see us quietly slipping into invisibility in the same way.
Ageing Without Children is a voluntary organisation already fighting to make sure that people without families to support them do not fall through the gaps. It is estimated that by 2030 there will be 2 million childless over 65s. I am hoping that, by the time I get there, we will have made some progress but none of it is going to happen without a fight.
It just makes me sad that we are not doing more for those who are vulnerable right now. Mum’s right – we all need a hug and a hand to hold.