I have writer’s block and my blog is suffering from severe malnutrition. The one thing that a blog needs is words and I just cannot feed it. I can only try to explain my neglect to the few readers who may be missing my ramblings.
I started GrownGals because I needed to make sense of things. Writing seemed to be a positive way to process and express my thoughts. As I turned 50 life conspired to create a perfect storm around me and navigating the choppy waters of midlife was much harder than I’d expected. The process of writing, crafting and editing my words was incredibly cathartic and much cheaper than counselling.
The voice inside my head
Not everyone is comfortable about sharing their inner thoughts. I’ve always been the opposite. For me, if I say it out loud, I own it. It’s like standing up to a bully. I like to name the fear, talk about the blackness, scream it if I have to. Anything to quieten down that voice inside my head. You know the one – the enemy within who likes to chip away at the shell of your skull until the cracks appear.
Bottling everything up might be the British way but in this respect I am more of a European. Letting it all out, and listening when others need to do the same, has always been my modus operandi. So what has changed? Why am I experiencing writer’s block? The rest of me is functioning as normal: I am creative at work, enjoying the allotment, planning the dog show. But four months ago my mum had another massive stroke and she is slowly fading. I carry on as normal because I have to, but I can no longer write without overwhelming panic.
Writer’s block or fear of what I have to say?
The intensity of the emotional pain of the last few months has left me frozen. When friends ask after my mum I cannot tell them the truth. They are just being polite and I cannot burden them with my reality. I am still riding the rollercoaster of experience and it will be some time before I can write the post that is gestating. There is so much that I need to say on the subject of dying but I am simply not up to the task. Not yet.
At least I have been able to explain my absence and I feel a weight has been lifted. It’s almost time for blackberry foraging and that just might be a post I can write. In the meantime if you want to help me out GrownGals desperately needs some words.
Love Avril x
Image by Florian Klauer via unsplash